thisisallison

By: Latasha Smith-Edwards

When we were younger friendship used to be easy. I feel that you meet people in elementary school or in your childhood and those friendships may carry on to high school age and if you go away to college, depending on the circumstances those friendships can be maintained, or they can be lost just based on where you are in life. Usually, if you relocate from your hometown due to college or other circumstances, you will start to create new friendships based on just those life changes.

What I have learned is that your childhood friends may be just that, “childhood friends” but as you get older and start to grow into a mature adult your friendships change. Friendship for me has always been an important topic. I have not always made the best decisions in friends but for the most part, I can say I have done fairly well. I can say that I have not had as many problems with friendships as I have had between the ages of 30-40. For some reason that age range has really allowed me to experience things and determine what I need, what I want, and what I deserve in a friendship. In these later years I have always felt that I have been a good friend to others but for whatever reason that has not always been reciprocated. I have even been told that I have “taught people how to be a friend” and sometimes that can get exhausting because you expect people to just know how to be a friend.

I also think that my definition of a “friend” has changed over the years. For example, in my childhood years, I would think that a best friend was someone that I see all the time, hang around, and share special moments with. As I have matured through different phases of age and life, that definition has definitely shifted. I now feel the definition of “best friend” is someone who is loyal, honest, loving and supportive. Someone who you can talk to openly about the things that you are going through, someone who you enjoy being around, someone who shows up for you, someone who will have your back when others are against you, someone that will talk you through things, someone that you do not have to feel is trying to be in competition with you for no reason at all, someone who truly wants the best for you, someone who will protect your heart and is not out to hurt you intentionally.

During my college years is when I started to have a bigger friend circle, but even during those times I always felt close to one or two people. I would hang out more with a few people just due to common classes, interests, where we were from or what we were going through. So that was never an issue for me. However, I can say due to me growing up as an only child I always longed for the opportunity to have people around. When pledging my sorority, that was such an exciting time not only to be able to join the best sorority in the world, but to have the opportunity to have such a close-knit relationship with my line sisters and sorors alike was exciting and important to me, but even then, I still found myself being really close to only a few of my line sisters.

I can say the most hurtful friendships have been in my adulthood. When I came to Atlanta, I did not know anyone besides my girlfriend at the time (now my wife) and we moved here together. She was extra busy with prepping for the bar exam, so I had to find my way through the social scene and I met some cool people. I attached quickly to people that had the same interests as me.  I was looking for fun friends and friends that liked to do things. I was so used to having one partner in crime like I did in Charlotte, so although I was not actively looking for that, it just naturally happened. Actually, I met so many people throughout my time here and that was just from me being social when I went out and once meeting people I would initiate conversations and just be the friend that I wanted. However, I soon learned that people are not always as genuine as you think they are. This resulted in misunderstandings, mistrust, arguments, disrespect and just a feeling of loneliness and questions of what did I do wrong? This happened a few times between 30-40 and I just could not understand it, a lot of times I would reflect on the situation and really hone in on my part in the issue and try to be dissect it, learn from it, determine what mistakes I made and how not to make them again. However, it never failed.  I would get sucked right back into foolish situations because of my heart because I wanted to give people a second chance and believe in their ability to change.

I would say turning 40 a few years ago really was a pivotal moment for me. Prior to 40 I had a situation happen which caused me to cut loose almost everyone that I “thought” was my friend and that was such a painful time due to the realization that I gave 100% to people that really could care less about me and never really truly supported me or only supported me when it was beneficial to them. From 36-38, there was a lot of self-discovery going on and that was one good thing that happened. Once 40 hit I really started to feel like I understood what Beyonce was saying in her song, “Me, Myself and I” because honestly that is all you have in the end. “YOU” are responsible for your life, the things you allow and don’t allow, the energy you entertain and how that affects your life. How people treat you is truly how “YOU” allow them and at this point I refuse to allow anything but what I deserve.

Just as in any relationship, there are expectations and most importantly above all is respect, loyalty and support for me. I demand these things before anything and when I do not see those three things consistently then I start to have my thoughts about what is the purpose. I truly believe in the saying, “if you want a friend, be a friend” that is really something that I try to live by considering all that I have been through with people in friendships. What that means to me is be the type of friend that you desire and sometimes that will come with you doing most of the work and when that starts to happen, don’t let it go on too far before you re-evaluate on if this person is a friend or someone you see yourself investing time in to develop a long-lasting friendship.

The advice that I can give to anyone about friendship is:

• Be intentional and vocal to yourself about your expectations and needs in a friendship.
• Go with your GUT feeling in every situation.
• Don’t be afraid to communicate when there are disagreements.
• Don’t allow people to take advantage of you.
• When they show you who they are the first time, believe them.
• Be around people that make you feel good.
• People will disappoint you, but you can forgive them, just be cautious.
• Diversify your friend circle.
• It’s okay if friendships end, it happens.
• There is truth behind having friends for a reason, season or lifetime.
• Sometimes the friends you need are not the friends you want, be open.

In summary, just as you as a person are constantly evolving and changing, so is and will be your definition and understanding of friendship. In different seasons of your life you have different people that play pivotal parts in your story. People from your past will reappear, people who you thought were going to be in your life forever won’t and people who you never thought would be in your life, will. It’s really all about what you expect and what you allow. I have never claimed to be the “perfect” friend, but I think I have grown and will continue to grow.

Have your expectations of friendship changed as you’ve aged?

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